Pottermore Bedamned
by Wrath76
Summary: The first of the series of one-shots that show the life of the wizarding community with two Muggle contraptions called laptops and the Internet.


**First attempt at the only supernatural book series that I actually liked: Harry Potter!**

**This fanfic (or more appropriately, series of drabbles/one-shots which I will be publishing separately to include the different characters involved) is a parody version of another fanfic. If you are a die-hard Drarry fan (which I am not; I prefer straight pairings), you'd do good to read Lightning-Shaped-Scars' story: A Blog worth Following. I don't think shippers would mind the rating (which is M) if it's Drarry.**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter (the series, not just the character) and Pottermore are owned by our queen, J.K. Rowling. And the basic idea for this series was originally from Lightning-Shaped-Scars', so I take the credit off that for him/her, too. (I don't know Lightning-Shaped-Scars personally; I just got to know him/her through the private messaging feature of ). And the longest wizard swear in history is owned by whoever created Potter Puppet Pals.**

**Warning: Slight violence, and my typical out-of-character protagonist.**

* * *

Severus Snape could and would never understand normal people. That Potter boy is so famous that a Muggle-born known only as J.K. Rowling (or the Queen, as she is now called by the silly non-magical folk) offered to write Potter's biography and thus, render the International Statute of secrecy useless. Not that it did anything bad; Muggles are now aware of the Dark Lord and taking extra precautions against him is better than being kept in the dark and not knowing whether the next second will be their last. But still…

Now that wizards and Muggles are living side by side quite harmoniously (well, maybe except for the times that some anti-Muggle pranksters, usually purebloods, show up in the local papers and the Daily Prophet), their cultures have been mixed. Mixed into the extent that Muggles can come and go uninterrupted into Diagon Alley and purchase those horrible joke merchandise from Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes and wizards using a mechanism called electronic mail to send messages to anybody they want.

That's right; wizards are now equipped with two Muggle contraptions called computers and Internet connections. In fact, only the oldest pureblood families (and there are quite a few) did not consent to have a family computer around in their mansions. And Hogwarts students and staff are all equipped with miniature versions of computers called laptops. And all those computers are magically connected to the World Wide Web.

Snape didn't mind having a sleek black laptop in his study, but when his students (sadly including the Slytherins) are chatting energetically about Facebook statuses and 9GAG pictures instead of brewing their potions silently (they are not even shutting their uncontrollable mouths up when he shut the door to signal the start of class), that's when he started despising the Muggle contraptions everyone seems (but are actually) obsessed with. In fact, he had forbidden them to hand in any typewritten homework, insisting on the traditional handwritten work on parchment, much to the chagrin of the students who preferred printers (who happened to be all of them).

He loathed it even more after having a particular conversation with Dumbledore.

* * *

_-Flashback-_

"_There is this website called Pottermore, Severus," Dumbledore was saying. "And I tell you this: that is a very good imitation of Hogwarts life!"_

_Snape frowned. "And they named it after Potter…" he muttered contemptuously._

"_Now, now, Severus," Dumbledore said sternly. "You really have to try not to show your prejudice for Harry."_

_Snape sighed. He'll never get out of this one. "So you want me to join this website?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Fine."_

"_Good for you, Severus! You shall tell me as soon as possible what your username is! I need more friends…"_

_-End of Flashback-_

* * *

And now he is starting to regret it.

Sure, he has been told "You are Magical!" by the page, but seeing his name on the same list of wizards twenty years younger than him is particularly aggravating. He liked it even less that he is stuck exploring Number 4, Privet Drive when he wanted to just get the freaking letter from Hogwarts saying that he is a wizard, so that he could go straight to Diagon Alley to buy his books and other equipment. When he did get the letter and went to Diagon Alley, he remembered that he ought to have a booklist and went back to the previous chapters, feverishly searching for that piece of paper. Furious that he hadn't found the booklist, he very, very reluctantly used his rarely used Facebook account (which by now has at least fifty friend requests and seventy notifications) to ask the Headmaster where in the name of Merlin he can find the booklist in that damned website. So far, the only thing he had liked in the site is his username, which is PotionsPrince0394.

He is lucky to find Dumbledore online, and so he got the answer to his question in a matter of seconds.

_Severus: Sir, where can you find the booklist?_

_Albus: It is lying on the first street of Diagon Alley, Severus. How did you not find it?_

_Severus is now offline but you can still send him a message._

Dumbledore merely smiled to himself, not knowing that Snape is by now swearing in the most ancient, longest wizard curse there is in wizarding history.

* * *

Now that he found the booklist, he proceeded to buy practically everything he needed for school, including ingredients from the apothecary (despite the fact that he was only provided with five hundred Galleons to buy what he needed and that he can only find an average of one Galleon in a chapter. Merlin's beard, they don't even use Sickles and Knuts). Then he rode the Hogwarts Express, found several Chocolate Frog Cards and about five Galleons, and at last managed to get himself into Potions class (where the teacher is surprisingly himself).

You would think that he is now glad to be in front of a virtual cauldron. You could not be more mistaken. In fact, it was the Potions portion of Pottermore that irritated him more than anything.

When he went to practice brewing practically the easiest potion there is, the Cure for Boils, the page kept telling him that he put the wrong amount of snake fangs into the mortar when he knew he followed the instructions word for word. He didn't realize until after he attempted (and failed) five more times that multitasking is not the way to go. He had to wait for each instruction to be done one at a time before moving on to the next.

When he had left the (finally) successfully made potion to brew for three minutes, he was positively bursting with fury. So furious was he that he snapped at Draco Malfoy when the boy came (quite gleefully, too) to report Potter in one of his rule breaking sessions. (In fact, Malfoy went out of the room tearing up.)

He was so busy bemoaning his fate in Pottermore that he almost forgot to check his potion, which he managed to save at the last ten seconds of the allowed waiting time. This time, he finished the potion with a kind of mad triumph and therefore proceeded to brew the hardest potion there is in the book; the Antidote for Common Poisons.

To make a long story short, well, let's just say he screwed it up, wasted a lot of ingredients and finally used the Reductor curse on the laptop out of sheer exasperation. If you think it is a waste of money (the laptop, I mean), well, just remember there is always Reparo to fix things up. (Oh, and I think I forgot to mention before that the Ministry bought only one family computer and one laptop, and multiplied them to save money. Cool, eh?)

* * *

**I'm sorry about all the parentheses; I swear I can't help writing them. They add a humorous biased effect, you know.**

**And try not expect me to be able to write Part 2 right away; June is coming and so are the start of classes here. (Sucks, really…)**

**Anyway, did you like it? Hate it? Do I still have to improve? Review!**

**And no… No fan services. I'm sorry, but I had the documents ready. They're just waiting for me to get written on.**


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